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Bumper Stickers

Bumper Sticker

Still you behind of me

Be the first

All ways help some poor people

brother

I am not perfect...I am limited edition

Eat right, exercise, get plenty of rest and die anyway.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

love

My Style
My Attitude

God made us sisters, Prozak made us friends.

Real Loser: Someone who voted for Obama the second time..

Even on Roads
Risk in Cars

Whos Next

You are still behind me!!!

I AM NOT PERFECT BUT LIMITED EDITION

Sit like rock
Work like clock

If all else fails, fail with it!

Love is trash, girls need cash - except mine.

I was Uncool Before Uncool was Cool

Don't laugh it's paid for and in front of you.

A diplomat is a person who thinks twice before saying nothing.

NOT a THERMONUCLEAR DEVICE

Famous last words of a redneck: Hold my beer and watch this ...

Save on Car Insurance

If only I were as good as my dog thinks I am...

Never eat more than you can lift.

The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.

What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.

Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.

Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

Look out! Behind you!

They told me I was gullible...then they took it out of the dictionary.

Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

To err is human; to forgive is not Company Policy.

Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.

They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.

I just love nonverbal communication!

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.

You can't be late until you show up.

Some have morals; some don't, and most simply ignore them.

For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.

This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.

I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.

I'm serious; it was a joke.

Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.

I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.

Wouldn't it be nice if there were an Escape key for all of our problems?

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

It's a Macintosh; it's got an excuse.

I'm only a hypochondriac when I feel sick.

I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.

Why be normal?

Do unto others before they do unto you.

Idiots surround me!

When all else fails, lower your standards.

It's been Monday all week.

Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.

Was today really necessary?

People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.

Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.

Death is the consequence of being alive.

Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.

Repetition is always better the second time.

Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.

In theory, everything works.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.

It's all a pigment of your hallucination.

Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.

Change a life; make someone feel important.

Everything is possible just not too probable.

Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way of debugging.

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

If it is a man made world, why can't we remake it?

If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.

Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse behind.

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

Clinton... Changing America

My child beat up your honor student

Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION

Happiness is Clinton's face on a milk carton.

Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.

Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.

LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.

If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!

No matter where you go; you're there.

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!

Life is just one of those things.

Reality is a figment of your imagination.

Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog---

Conserve water - Shower with a friend

Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.

No matter where you go; you're there.

Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!

Your lucky color has faded.

Life is a terminal disease.

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

Gravity is a myth the Earth sucks.

I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.

I'm objective; I object to everything.

If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.

Kevorkian for Surgeon General

Pain is inevitable misery is optional.

This vehicle insured by Smith and Wesson.

Mean people suck.

I'm an optimist, but I don't think it helps.

Horn Broke. Watch For Finger.

Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Save a tree, eat a beaver.

Nothing is impossible to the person that doesn't have to do it.

If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.

When life is bad...keep your head up, that way you don't see all the shit you've stepped in.

This is not an abandoned car.

My child is an honor student at the state penitentiary.

The beatings will continue until employee morale improves.

Honk if you are blond.

Gun control is a steady hand.

I'm so hungry I am farting fresh air.

If you can do the time, you can do the crime.

Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my colt 45.

Buy a gun. Piss off the liberals.

Who died and made YOU Darth Vader?

It's time to pull over and let the air out of your brain.

Hey man, you live in America now... speak Spanish!

Have you seen Elvis? 1-800-GET-A-LIFE

Honk if I'm Jesus!

I'm only driving this way to piss you off.

Gun control today, Total control tomorrow.

My other car sticker is funny.

Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.

Time Circles: The Lord Creates The Universe Evolves The Lord

Non-Partisan. Non-Republican.

Practice safe government. Use kingdoms.

Yes, in fact...my father does own this road.

Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.

The meek will Internet the world.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Don't come knocking if the car is rocking.

First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and then the suffering...

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Which came first, the woman or the department store?

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all it's students!

Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!

Few women admit their age few men act it!

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Real women don't have hot flashes they have power surges.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

No Radio - Already Stolen

I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!

Wink, I'll do the rest!

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Sex is a misdemeanor . . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....

E. coli Happens

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep!!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Conserve toilet paper use both sides.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Clinton... Born Free . . .Taxed to Death

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

All generalizations are false.

I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog!

I have PMS and a handgun. Any Questions??

Support a cause stop plate tectonics.

I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.

God Bless Our Troops

Real Men Love Jesus!

D.A.M.M.- Drunks Against Mad Mothers

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

If you can read this, I am parked.

Laugh and the world laughs with you cry and the world laughs at you.

YOU ARE HERE!

CAUTION: This car will be left behind during rapture.

Don't let your Meatloaf

I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.

Jesus is coming... Look busy.

Earth first... We will strip the other planets later.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

If life hands you a lemon, stuff your bra with it.

How's my driving? Dial 1-800-YOU-SUCK

The more I learn, the less I understand.

I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds.

Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu??

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

The American Dream is a chicken in every pot. Why did we elect a chicken that smoked pot?

Save on gas, go fart in a jar.

My wife said if I watch one more Yankees game she is leaving. God I'll miss her.

I'm a member of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. Keep honking I'm reloading.

Jesus saves lives and them redeems them for valuable prizes.

My son can kick your son's honor student butt.

I left the womb for this

I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!! This was better than any diet I've ever been on.

0-60 in 15 minutes!

Don't laugh it's paid for.

House guarded by a shotgun 3 nights a week. You guess which?

I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass.

Where there's a will there's a BEER!

Clean up America. Kill a redneck!

Smile.........show off your teeth.

I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.

Keep America clean...swallow your beer cans.

Impeach President Clinton and her husband too.

Smile and the world smiles with you, Fart and you stand alone.

Only in America can a Vietnam Vet live in a cardboard box on the street and a draft dodger live in the White House.

What part of http://www.getalife.com do you not understand?

The squeaky wheel is often replaced.

If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!

CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS.

I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Hang up and drive!

Just say no to sex with pro-lifers.

Honk if you love Rush.

DARE to keep the CIA off drugs.

DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.

If you feel attacked by feminism, it's probably a counter attack.

Overpopulation... too much of a good thing.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...

Everything Is Somewhere.

Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.

Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they wouldn't shit on stage.

I believe the Internet is an information source, not a lifestyle choice.

Minds are like parachutes--they only function when open.

Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.

I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.

I tried being normal once . . .I didn't like it.

My karma ran over my dogma.

Blow your nose, your horn works fine.

Study long study wrong.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Save the planet recycle an environmentalist.

It's not the size of the boat that matters; it's the motion in the ocean.

The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.

If you can read this you're in range.

Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!

I don't drive fast I fly low

visualize whirled peas

Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks you're an ass hole.

If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?

S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks

Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.

Kids in the backseat cause accidents.... accidents in the backseat cause kids.

DANGER: I drive like you do!

If you can read this, THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!

I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?

You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving ain't for you.

Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit!!!!!

A clean car is a sign if sick mind.

I may be slow but I'm in front of you.

Front bumper -Run, Hilary, Run!

"It is Mind over Matter... If you ain't go no mind... It don't Matter" David Werstiuk

Unless You're A Hemorrhoid, STAY OFF MY ASS!

I drive like this to piss you off!

Don't delay, paint today

Life is like a straw it sucks.

Take me drunk I' m home.

Beam me up Jesus.

Illiterate? Write for free help.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.

The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam.

Yesterday I knew nothing today I know that.

Bill Clinton 89% Fact Free

Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.

Life's a bitch, and then you die.

It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?

Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?

Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!

Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!

God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

So many cats.... So little time.

Listen to the silence!!

Honk if you haven't slept with Clinton!

Support publik edekasion

Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous.

To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid.

Don't f*** with my head and I won't think with my dick!

Pol-I-Tics poli meaning many, ticks meaning small blood sucking parasites.

"Stupid should hurt!"

If the company's name is YELLOW, why are the trucks painted ORANGE?

If Clinton is the answer, what was the question?

huked on foniks werkd fer me

Your honor student deals the best drugs.

I am not speeding I am qualifying.

My other ride is your mom

Hey dumb ass I bought my own car, not mommy and daddy!

If you can read this I have lost my caravan.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?

My IQ came back negative!

If you write "WASH ME" on my truck, I'll carve "RECESSITATE ME" on your chest!!!

Most Americans have Faith... You can tell by the Way They Drive

Fat people are hard to kidnap.

The Second Place Is The First Loser

If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Madness takes it's toll, please have exact change.

Where in the nursery rhyme does say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg?

Don't laugh; your daughter may be in back.

My other auto is a 9MM.

Life's expensive; drive defensive.

Be nice society already sucks.

Enjoy life it's not a dress rehearsal.

Buy a gun support the constitution.

I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.

Don't miss heaven for the world.

You have been a naughty boy, go to my room!

Flies spread disease, keep yours closed!

God made Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve.

Condoms are easier to change than diapers!

It took 40 years to make me look this good.

Vegetarian: Indian word for BAD HUNTER!

(Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough.

More people I meet, more I like my dog....

If we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.

THINK before you ACT.

S.O.B.E.R. - Sick Of Banning Everyone's Rights

S.C.A.R.Y. (Southern Citizens Advocating the Relocation of Yankees)

Hey idiot- You're driving a car, not a phone booth

To you it's a six-pack; to me it's a support group.

FRIENDS DON`T LET FRIENDS VOTE DEMOCRAT

I just filled up my car with gasoline. Now it's worth $50.00

DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT!

I may be fat, but you're ugly - at least I can diet.

If you can read this... I've lost my trailer!

Support yogurt, it's the only culture some people have.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

It takes a Viking to raze a village.

If it ain't broke, fix it until it is

Men are like outhouse's, always taken or full of shit!

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

He who farts in church sits on his own pew.

Fat chicks make my car scrape!

Rehab is for quitters.

If you're against logging, try wiping your ass with plastic.

Behind every successful man there is a woman, behind every unsuccessful man there are two.

If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you are doing it the WRONG WAY!!

Why can't women learn to put the toilet seat back up?

Vote BUSH/CHENEY

I pretend to work they pretend to pay me!

Don't Drink and Drive!

The road to hell is paved with democrats!

If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...your aiming too high.

There are only three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.

Lord, please save me from your followers.

My other toy has tits.

What, are you stuck on stupid.

I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?

If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

If you can read this sign you must be a Florida Republican.

VIAGRA!!!!!! The Dicker Picker Upper!!!

If you think the car is dirty you should spend a night with the driver!

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.

When there's a will I want to be in it!

Friends don't let friends drive naked!!

Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ!

I've lost my phone number - can I have yours?

Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.

If God intended us to be vegetarians, why did he make animals out of meat?

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

I love animals - they taste great!

If something goes without saying - LET IT!

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.

So you're a feminist - isn't that cute!

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

If you smoke after s e x you're doing it too fast.

FLORIDA: Home of Electile Dysfunction

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, And Revote.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we vote then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

HONK IF YOU LOVE GORE (use the button on your steering wheel)

I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go.

"I should never have invented the electoral college." -Al Gore

Life is a lesson you'll learn it when you're through.

Every thing is on loan from the government until you can't pay your taxes.

Impotence is God's way of saying "No hard feelings."

My child was inmate of the month at the County Jail.

Who's Your Daddy?

Housework makes women ugly.

Remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Are you following Jesus this close?

Men are proof that women have a sense of humor.

I wish I were a glow worm a glow worm is never glum, because how could you be unhappy when the sun shines out your bum?

Stupidity should be punished.

God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.

Have you bitch slapped an environmentalist today?

Fakov & Dai: Attorneys at Law

All my drinking buddies have a racing problem.

Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead.

Your village called, their idiot is missing.

Honk if you love boy bands - then drive into a tree.

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Turn Signals: Not just for smart people anymore.

I wonder if you would drive well if that cell phone were up your ass.

Every silver lining has a cloud.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Scixelsyd Etinu (backward)

Can I pay my Visa with my MasterCard?

Man made beer, God made pot you make the choice.

The horn blows does the driver!

Don't steal the government hates competition.

A church alive is worth the surprise!!

Beer: making woman look better since 1965.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

No glove no love.

Men are like roses, watch out for all of the pricks.

DETEST-de stuff de teacher gives de students when ya expect it de least!!!

I am represented by the Law Firm of Dewey, Chedum, and Howe.

Dewey,Skrewem, & Howe (attorneys at law)

Jerry's dead, Phish sucks, get a job.

I'm against ABORTION because I was once a fetus.

Against ABORTION, don't have one.

RECYCLE YOUR ANIMALS

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!!!

Democrats=Beaureaucrats: STUPID

No prohibiting allowed!

Nuke the unborn gay whales.

I've been dieting for the past month, but all I lost was 31 days!!

Who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

Stop Reading My Bumper Stickers and DRIVE!!

For a small town, this one sure has a lot of assholes!

AMERICA-Love It Or Leave It!

Learn from your parent's mistakes use birth control!

I am overjoyed with whelm!

Laughter, cries and all that is wise...

You just lived your best moment, now GO live another!

Without pain and suffering you have no choice!

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License Plates

NAME

sorrow

zZumSd

IB6UB9

(Front Plate) TI-3VOM

(Student driver car) EEEEEK

MUVORE

IHERE1ST

INOU

RUWIERD2

SNK-BITN

INTMD8R

WAZIT2U

80OBS

PERQL8

4PLAY

CUNL 2

4NK8TR

(Front Bumper) 3M TA3

(Front Bumper) YOT YM

FAH-Q

4U2NV

ICAQTNU

IXLR8

URAQT

PUL OVR

ANEBR8TD

OIC OB1

6UL DV8

OICU812

IN DEBT

RUMADMF

2QUT4U

ID 10 T

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Quotes

Author information NOT verified.

LOVE

God is busy may I help you?

Money is not everything. But money makes everything....

Because I am worth it.

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out.” -Stephen King

"It's no exaggeration that the undecided's could go one way or another." -Ronald Reagan

We had quicksand in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually. -Steven Wright

Sex is like snow. You never know how many inches you're gonna get or how long it will last. - Anonymous

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

"It all depends on what your definition of the word 'is' is." -- William Jefferson Clinton

"Dead birds do not fall out of cages" --Sir Winston Churchill, when told his Fly was down

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush

"I should never have invented the electoral college." -- Al Gore

Don't start vast projects with half vast ideas. -Desk sign on a Lt Generals desk

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? -Gifted!

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Slogans

THE PRICE OF TRAFFIC/ROAD DISCIPLINE IS ALWAYS LESS THAN PAIN OF REGRET.

My Love

Sides or not belong to eyes...

Better watch ya back because death is knocking at the door

Half the people you know are below average

Life is like a penis. When its soft you cant beat it. When its hard you get screwed.

Defeat the defeat

Simple living, High thinking.

Life is wasted on the living.

It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.

Love isn't love until you give it away.

If you don't know where you are going you will probably end up somewhere else.

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

A journey without any obstacles usually leads nowhere.

Youth is wasted on the young.

If you are going to do it, do it right!

Life is tough and then you die.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If it ain't broken, don't fix it.

I used to be indecisive, but now I am not sure.

I can't be conceited because conceit is an imperfection and I am perfect.

Smile and the world smiles with you, fart and you stand alone.

Gossip is just news running ahead of itself in a red satin dress.

Never ruin an apology with an excuse.

Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny. --Frank Outlaw

Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions.

Men are like fine wine... and it's a woman's job to pick them as grapes, stomp on them and thrown them into a dark cellar until they mature enough to be something you'd like to have dinner with.

Face your fears, live your dreams.

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Humor

Roses on your piano are nothing compared to Tulips on your organ.

If my dog had a face as ugly as yours, I would shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards...

If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

What did O.J. Simpson say after the trial? Can I have my gloves back now?

How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose? 15.... 10 Little Piggies, 2 Calves, an Ass, a bushy beaver and a slippery fish.

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield? His butt!

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom.... What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom? EUROPEAN... of course!

What does one blonde leg say to the other? I don't know they've never met! What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

Sorry no checks accepted. We trust you; it's the bank we do not trust.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun (brrrrrrr) but stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

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©   Copyright December 7, 2016 D&M Fitzgerald, Inc. (Humor Department)